blindly invisible
i hate when things conspire behind my back and i'm oblivious to it all until the very end. not that i know if it was really a conspiracy, but it sure feels like it. the balance of power is changing, and i have a pretty good idea as to whom has/will have it. but i guess i shouldn't really spill the details here, because "they" just might read it. and tell me that i have it all wrong. only so they can work harder at being discreet.
on another note. just to add to my misery of the week...since it has a way of piling up...i joined this little rp group for david...sorta something we can both do and have fun at. of course, once i join he's grounded from it. but i've been having fun with it. that is until just recently. here i spend a week writing some of the best rp's i'm capable of writing, and when the results come in...i'm not mentioned. yea, so what if i won? there wasn't any mention of me. furthering my feeling of invisibility. no, i didn't write out over ten pages of rp just to be noticed...but still...it would have been nice to have gotten mentioned. i've sort of lost the fun in it. it was fun because i would try and win, and get recognition. i don't get that, so i feel like i am doing something wrong. who knows? maybe i am. maybe not. i can't really tell. i have another match to rp for, and i really don't feel like doing much rp today or tomorrow...not if my hard work goes unnoticed. so my thoughts are to just crank out one half-assed rp and leave it at that. so what if i lose while i've gone undefeated. so fucking what. it's not fun if i'm invisible. afterwards, i'm thinking of doing one last really good one. one i'll work on for a long long while. one i'll talk to david about first, but no matter what he says i get this feeling i'm going to post it anyway. i don't care how much fun i've been having. or even that i get to do it with david. i don't like being taken for granted...like throwing me into a match just because you know i'm going to put a post up. that's not fair at all. because then the results come, and there's no mention of me anywhere. so i'll make a short rp with out any amount of effort into it for thursday. i kinda feel guilty because it's for michele, and she deserves a better rp than what i'm going to put up, but oh well. then somewhere around friday or saturday...maybe even monday (but then i have one more half-assed rp to play)...the resignation. i just hate being taken for granted. i hate it.
and thus feeling this way all night last night, i finally just come out with it with various away messages--as is my style--only to recieve a message from two people, basically stating the same thing: "what's wrong? feel better? oh yea, what kind of match do you want for thursday's rp?" AAAHHHH! that's one of the reasons i'm so mad and you want to just throw it in my face with a: "oh yea...want rp do you want for thursday...not that we care..?" AAAHHHH!!!! after that i said forget it. i'm doing a couple more rp's then i'm out. it's just not worth it to put your time into something you enjoy and get nothing out of it. because that's part of what makes it enjoyable...the fact that you work hard, and it shows, and people acknowledge it.
then david called, and suddenly everything i was upset about just went away. granted it's still there, but for the time i was talking to him it was gone. and it was nice. at midnight we exchanged our "happy eleven mos. anniversaries"...and i was just smiles. there's a poem in maria's away message that reminded me of him, and that i added a bit to. i emailed it to him, and he was actually able to read it.
so though my night was rough, it went away for awhile, even though it's all crashing back down again. and every one is blind to it...mostly because i am invisible.
and because i am invisible...i notice the change of power occuring. even when they think they are safe from prying eyes.
